Sweet Apple

Posted: September 15, 2010 in Random wifflings
Tags: , ,

My iPhone broke last week, the damn home button stopped working. That’s the big round, old-fashioned, non-touch screen piece of plastic at the bottom. For all its whizzy, stroke activated loveliness, without this piece of early 20th century tech, the iPhone is a singularly useless slab of pretty glass. Googling revealed that it’s not an uncommon problem. Some websites advocate taking the phone apart (as did my brother) and fiddling with the contacts, or inserting tin foil. My advice is don’t. The cables and wires connecting front panel to back pop out in a terrifying manner, and none of the suggested fixes work. You’ve no need to botch it yourself anyway.

I made a Genius Bar appointment by phone at the local Apple Store. (I cycled down there. It was the first time I’d done that journey in six months. I didn’t die, in fact, I did it really quickly, so carrying a toddler around has obviously upped my fitness levels). Apple tried to fix my phone, couldn’t and just exchanged it, no questions asked. I said it’d be my wife coming, but they had no problems that it was me instead, and they saw me right away when I turned up early. Also, I’d rearranged the appointment online already. Nor did they ask for reams and reams of documents and warranties and other proofs. The whole thing was… painless.

I got my iPhone through o2, not direct from Apple, it was reconditioned (ie, briefly preowned, which made it free), both factors that you’d expect a company to use to deny you help. But they didn’t.

Maybe they have all my doings on some huge big database, and used their cy-powers to judge me worthy. The chaps in there were only slightly less wired into the network than your average Borg drone, after all. Every one of them had gizmos far flashier than my first generation phone, and they tappety-tapped, slippy-slid data as they sorted me out. I felt like I was in Minority Report. Thanks to the awesome power of microchipped soul-shifting, my new iPhone is EXACTLY the same as my old one, like it died to transcend its scratched screen and dodgy button to be born anew in a pristine, virgin clone-shell. Spooky. Potential for tech-fear there. Must squash it.

I remember grinding my teeth at inane US-style seminars on ‘INSANE! customer service!!!!!’ I heard about when I worked at The Big Games Company, but the consultants did have a point, if they did deliver it in a manner designed a) to offend a moron and b) get you sacked if you put all their suggestions into practice.

I am determined not to follow earlier generations into that grey, Spam sandwich-fuelled twilight of one-bar electric fires and brown carpeted pebble-dashed semis where the wireless sings only wartime hits. This awaits all of us who fail to keep up. I don’t want sugary tea and denture glue while everyone else zooms around on hoverboards outside. I am convinced this profound chrono-shock occurs when the human brain ceases to assimilate new technology. Early symptoms in the male are repeating oneself endlessly, high-waisted brown trousers, the adoption of a shed, and repeating oneself endlessly. My use of proper tech will keep me young! I am determined! Although… a shed would be nice.

So my iPhone is important, I can’t live without it in our future now, and should it fail finally I’ll be cast back into the 1970s, where I’d have to sit in my own piss and wait for Sapphire and Steel to come and rescue me, and they’ve been unreliable of late.

Thanks Apple, your shining customer service policy keeps me pinned in time.

  1. Nick Sharps says:

    Sadly I’m following the previous generations with losing touch of our tech savvy age. And I’m 19. I’m not too keen on digital media, especially eBooks. I can only use a computer for its basic functions (which is a waste because I have a beautiful MacBook Pro). I do love my iTouch but I can’t keep up with the pace. I think its all that robot fear-mongering from Terminator and iRobot. You can’t trust a human, but you definitely can’t trust a machine.

    • guyhaley says:

      To the time of bakelite and soggy pink wafery biscuits for you my lad!

      Seriously speaking, technology is far more intuitive now than when I was young. I’m really talking about being able to turn things on, and being open to their use. I don’t use ebooks either, but I understand why some people do. The old folks of my late teen years often rejected anything more sophisticated than a colour TV out of hand. That’s when the death of mind sets in. Stagnation of intellect is a genuine nail in a very real coffin.

      At least, that’s what I think.

      • Nick Sharps says:

        Well I for one prefer my biscuits soggy, pink, and wafery thank you!

        I should be more open to technology, it just seems to have a way of never working when I need it to. Especially remotes. And phones. And computers. Its a hard knock life haha.

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